The Amateur Amateur: But Are You a Real Ham?
By Gary Hoffman, KB0H
Contributing Editor
April 4, 2003
This time, we
run down the criteria that determine whether or not you're a real ham.
Ham radio isn't what it used to be. It has had to evolve over the years to stay
alive. One change, I believe, is that it is now easier to get an
Amateur Radio license. Mind you,
I'm not complaining; it was a
necessary change. But some veteran hams are unhappy.
I don't
particularly like being called a "no-code Extra" or a "ham
lite," but I do empathize with those folks who worked harder to
get their licenses than I did (back in the "old days," we
had to draw circuit diagrams for the General exam. Can you say
"Colpitts oscillator," boys and girls?
--Ed).
Anyway, I can see
both sides of the issue, and I don't propose to debate it here. You
are an Amateur Radio operator if you have a valid license. Period.
Now, whether or
not you are a "
real ham" is something we can argue
endlessly. Don't be concerned about what anyone else says. Whether or
not you are a
real ham is all up to you. If you need some
reassurance, though, my wife Nancy and I have developed some
guidelines to help you determine if you make the cut.
Personal
You are a
real
ham if:
- for any reason, you ever appeared in
QST.
Yes, a real ham lives on this street.
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- you are more than 70 years old and actually don't
mind being called "Old Man."
- you have more than three baseball caps
bearing your call sign--each of them different.
- you cried during the movies
Contact
and
Frequency.
- much of your vocabulary consists of
three letter "words" that begin with "Q."
Family
You are a
real
ham if:
- you met your spouse at Hamvention.
- you named your first boy Gordon or
Riley.
- your preschooler doesn't know her ABCs
but does know her
dit-dahs.
- your dog recognizes you by call sign
rather than as "Mommy" or "Daddy."
Driving
You are a
real
ham if:
- the car wash turns away your vehicle
because it takes too long to remove all of the antennas.
- you identify types of mobile antennas
before identifying the model of the car sporting them.
- instead of leaning on your horn to show
displeasure, you honk out a disparaging remark in Morse code.
Vacationing
You are a
real
ham if:
No matter where you are, you can go outside and immediately spot at
least thirty antennas.
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- when vacationing, you insist on staying on the top
floor of the hotel (because of the antenna opportunities or a better
shot at the local repeaters from your hand-held).
- your luggage always creates panic among
airport security as it passes through the X-ray machine.
- the first thing you do when you arrive
in a new city is look up the nearest Radio Shack or ham radio
emporium.
- you feel your hotel should include a
complimentary
Repeater Directory.
- no matter where you are, you can go
outside and immediately spot at least 30 antennas.
Home and
Neighbors
You are a
real
ham if:
- lightning strikes your house more often
than any other local structure.
- a typical mail delivery consists of one
bill, ten electronics catalogs, and, occasionally, a hefty brown
envelope from the QSL bureau.
- your house shows up as a magnetic
anomaly on satellite imaging.
What you'd like to see waiting for you in the hotel room.
|
- you've had at least one argument with
local authorities (or a neighbor) regarding what you have on your
roof.
- your street has a name like "Hightower Trail."
- at least three neighbors per week
complain that you are interfering with their TV sets, telephones, or
kitchen appliances.
- at least one neighbor fears that you are
using your moonbounce array to contact the mother ship.
Operating
You are a
real
ham if:
- you really
have contacted aliens.
- as the "Doomsday Asteroid"
approaches Earth, you try to make a few last contacts via meteor
scatter.
Attitude
You are a
real
ham if:
- you think that wallpaper cannot be
bought in a store.
- looking at huge construction cranes
immediately gives rise to thoughts of erecting a gigantic 160-meter
array.
- the hole in the ozone layer doesn't
disturb you half as much as the possibility that the Air Force HAARP
project might punch a hole in the F Layer.
- you understood and at least chuckled at
any five items in these lists.
Editor's note: ARRL member Gary Hoffman, KB0H, lives in Florissant,
Missouri. He's been a ham since 1995. Hoffman says his column's name
-- "The Amateur Amateur" -- suggests the explorations of a
rank amateur, not those of an experienced or knowledgeable ham. His
wife, Nancy, is N0NJ. Hoffman has a ham-related Web
page. Readers are invited to contact the author
via email.
© 2003 American Radio Relay League