The Amateur Amateur: Ask Doctor Scientific Guy

By Gary Ross Hoffman, KB0H
April 1, 2019

The Death Star
The Death Star
HAARP - Singing with the angels?
Efficient solar device
WatDeFu hand held transceiver
WatDeFu hand held every-service transceiver
Doctor Scientific Guy
Doctor Scientific Guy

We at frequently receive letters asking for advice or other information. If the request is of a technical nature, we often refer it to our expert in such matters, Doctor Scientific Guy. The doctor graduated from the Georgia Institute of Technobabble, then went on to get his doctorate at the University of Unfathomable in St. Louis, Missouri. He is currently holds a Fallow Fellowship at the Institute of Indeterminate. The doctor has been an invaluable resource to us, and has answered many questions posed by our readers.

We wanted to do something special for our April 1st column, so we asked the doctor if he would share some of the more memorable queries that he had received. Here they are.

Reader: What is the proper antenna length to reach the moon?

Doctor Scientific Guy: 238,855 miles.

Reader: Whom can I contact on sub-audible frequencies?

Doctor Scientific Guy: Alligators.

Reader: What is the worst drink to spill on my rig?

Doctor Scientific Guy: Anything that is still in liquid form.

Reader: Oh come on! Give me a better answer than that!

Doctor Scientific Guy: Sorry. There are two answers -

  • If the radio is still plugged in, Gatorade.
  • If the radio has no current or stored charge in it, RC Cola.

Reader: Really?

Doctor Scientific Guy: Yes.

  • Gatorade has the highest conductivity.
  • RC Cola has the highest acidity.
Just try not to spill anything. And definitely don't try to clean it up with vinegar.

Reader: Where is the largest dish antenna located?

Doctor Scientific Guy: On the Death Star.

Reader: Has anyone every made contact with heaven?

Doctor Scientific Guy: Ask the guys at HAARP.

Reader: Can I construct a Faraday cage out of Popsicle sticks?

Doctor Scientific Guy: Yes, but it will only be effective in keeping out N-rays.

Reader: I live in a dense urban area. Which frequencies are best at penetrating buildings and such?

Doctor Scientific Guy: Gamma rays.

Reader: Is Amateur Radio really better than sex?

Doctor Scientific Guy: It depends on your gender.

  • Female - No
  • Male - No
  • Contester - Yes

Reader: Where can I buy a Software Defined Radio?

Doctor Scientific Guy: At a Software Defined Store.

Reader: Do you think there should be a minimum age to get an Amateur Radio license?

Doctor Scientific Guy: Yes, the applicant should be postnatal.

Reader: Should I disconnect my antenna during a thunderstorm?

Doctor Scientific Guy: Absolutely not. You could be blown off of the tower or struck by lightning. Stay inside and just disconnect your transceiver.

Reader: Can my microwave oven harm my transceiver?

Doctor Scientific Guy: Yes, it can. Never put your transceiver inside your microwave oven.

Reader: Can my Amateur Radio transceiver harm my stereo equipment?

Doctor Scientific Guy: It depends on how hard you throw your transceiver.

Reader: Alright, I sensing a trend here. I'll try to be more specific. If I am sitting just a few feet from my 100 watt HF transceiver, and I am transmitting at its full power level, can its emanations harm me?

Doctor Scientific Guy: Okay then, I will also be very specific. Your transceiver's emanations can harm you, if -

  • You have your ear right up against the speaker and the volume is at maximum.
  • The antenna is sitting in your lap.

Reader: Which mobile transceiver do you think I should buy?

Doctor Scientific Guy: The one that gets the best gas mileage.

Reader: What are your thoughts about using Q-signals?

Doctor Scientific Guy: Q should stay in his own continuum and stop bothering the crew of the Enterprise.

Reader: What is the most efficient solar powered device?

Doctor Scientific Guy: A sundial.

Reader: What happens to my old ham radio after I turn it in to be recycled?

Doctor Scientific Guy: It gets sent to China, where is is disassembled and its components are used to make new WatDeFu every-service transceivers.

Reader: I just bought a 1000 watt amplifier at a hamfest. What can I use it for?

Doctor Scientific Guy: To make toast.

That's it for this special April 1st column of The Amateur Amateur. We'd like to thank Doctor Scientific Guy for his insights, and also you, the readers, for submitting your questions to us. Remember, we at are here to serve you!

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